Get a Job

Now, there are a lot of people out there who are looking very hard for a job and trying to find work, yet unable to do so. I'm not talking about you. There are also assholes out there who refuse to work and get a job because they think the world owes you a living. Being able to stay home and not have a job is a luxury. It's not your god-given right. It's also not something that you "earned" or deserve because you had a relationship that didn't work out. The other parent is required to support children from the relationship. They're not required to report a custodial parent that wants to live off child support because you think you somehow should get paid for a breakup. It's not OK to refuse to look for a job in order to squeeze a former partner dry. Say you managed to remarry. Great! Congratulations! Good for you! That doesn't mean you can quit your job, live off your new spouse, and simultaneously try to up your old spouse's support obligation so you can sit around eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day. Sure, it hurts your ex, which is clearly what you want to do. But it also hurts your children when they see how you're using them, and it just makes you an assholes.

Control Your Child

Don’t make store employees or total strangers step in and stop your child from running rampant in stores.  If you want to let your child behave like a selfish asshole at home, that’s fine (well, it’s really not, but whatever).  In public, the child should behave.  Figure out how to make it happen.  If you absolutely cannot do it, leave your child at home.

If you choose to ignore paragraph #1 entirely and have no idea how to control your child, and someone else is forced to, say, stop him from ramming shopping carts into the crotches of other shoppers, say, “Thank you.”  Do not scream at the person for having the audacity to prevent your child from trying to castrate everyone else in the store.  Other people don't want to parent your child any more than you do - unfortunately, you leave them no choice when you act like you have better things to do than be a parent.

Leave Your Child at Home.

There are places where it’s appropriate to bring a small child.  Lots of them, actually.   Like the Magical Kingdom of Disneyland.  What a wonderful place to take your child! The 11:30 Friday night showing of Dawn of the Dead is not that place.  Before you go somewhere, ask yourself "Is this an appropriate place to bring a child?  Will I piss off everyone there who left their kids at home?  Will I ruin their evenings and the money they spent on baby-sitters?"  If the answer to these questions is No, Yes, Yes, do not take your child with you.  Stay home and play with your child.

                                              

If you cannot afford a baby-sitter, ask a friend or family member to watch your child for you.  Maybe you can return the favor some other time.  If you have no friends or family, you cannot go to the movies.  Don’t make the rest of the world suffer because you couldn’t be bothered to make some friends.* 

I know what you're thinking, "Why shouldn't I get to go to the movies, just because I have a kid?" Well, see, life is about choices.  You chose to have a child.  Other people who did not choose to have a child do not want to be forced to feel bad for your kid when you drag it to places that babies shouldn't be.   People who chose to hire a baby-sitter want to enjoy their nights out.  If they wanted to listen to a baby make horrible noise all night, they could have gone to a Justin Bieber concert.  Don't make other people suffer because of your choices.  Hire a baby-sitter, go somewhere appropriate for children, or stay home.


* Maybe you should stop and wonder why you have no friends.  Is it because they can never hear the movie they want to see over the horrific sounds of terror your infant is making because babies don't like seeing people ripped to shreds?

Let It Go

Don’t use your child as a way of hurting your ex.  A child is a human being.  He or she is not a pawn.  It's not the child's fault that the relationship didn't work out.  Wether it's your ex's fault or not, let it go.  Sometimes, relationships don't work out.  Some people handle it badly when they realize that a relationship is not right.  That sucks.  But it doesn't mean that the person "owes" you for the breakup (other than child support), or that the person should never be allowed to see his/her child again.  Withholding visitation or refusing to pay child support, passing messages through the child, or trying to poison the child against the other parent is not a good thing to do. 

When you use your child to make your ex's life miserable, you risk creating someone who is as much of as asshole as you are, as they’re learning that it’s OK to be controlling, petty, selfish, and cruel.  We do not need more people in this world who are petty, controlling, and selfish.

Don't Be Nosy

Don’t ask intrusive questions about someone’s personal life.  If someone wants you to know something personal, they’ll tell you.  More often than not, you’ll wish they hadn’t.  But you really don't have a right to know anything that you are mildly curious about.  Sometimes, people like to keep things to themselves, and that's OK.  When they like to share, that's OK, too. (Oversharing, of course, is another issue entirely.)


If you absolutely cannot resist asking a horribly rude question, and the other person refuses to answer, don’t act like he’s the one being an asshole.  He isn’t.

While we're talking about intrusive and inappropriate behaviors - people, please, keep your hands off the pregnant ladies.  It is so, so, so very insane that people think they can walk up to total strangers and put their hands on bellies just because the woman appears to be pregnant.  Anyone tries that BS on me, should the time come, and I will call the police.  Also, take a second to think how many types of ass you would feel like if that person was just overweight or had a really big lunch.   Or if she reached out and stuck her fingers in your nose ("What?  I thought we were touching each other inappropriately?!")  And don't do it.  Because it's incredible rude and selfish of you to assume that a total stranger would want you touching her just because you got excited over a pregnant belly.  

Homework

Do not teach your children to be self-entitled assholes.  For example, your child’s one and only job is to go to school.  That “job” involves homework.  If your child refuses to do homework, and gets a bad grade, the non-asshole approach is to explain that actions have consequences, and go over how to improve the grades.  The asshole approach is to sue the school for assigning homework in the first place.  Do not do this.  Do not be an asshole.  More importantly, do not create more assholes.  I have to live in this world.

Don't Demand Things Everyone Else Works For

Well, if your name isn't Megan Thode, you may be well on your way to not being an asshole.....
http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/02/13/shes-literally-lost-a-career-woman-files-1-3-million-lawsuit-against-university-for-giving-her-a-c/

Newsflash, Cupcake.  You don't deserve a degree.  You don't deserve a $1.3 million career.  You don't have a right to those things.  If you want to actually pass your classes, you have to do the work.  (You did note that she didn't actually pay to go to the school, right?  She wants a free degree without doing any work for it.)  And if you choose not to do the work, who's at fault?

Is it the teacher's fault for giving you a bad grade?
Is it the schools fault for not just handing a degree to people who do not meet the degree requirements?
Is it your fault for failing the class?
Is it your fault for not doing the work/extra credit/retaking the course?
Is it your father's fault for handing you everything in life and creating an entitled asshole?

(Well, actually, that last one could play into it...)

                            

Do Unto Others

Regardless of your religious beliefs, remember the Golden Rule.  Treat others how you would like to be treated.  Would you want someone to key your car, post nude pictures of you on the internet, or give you a wedgie? Even if they thought they had a really, really good reason?  Would you be ashamed to tell your mother or your child that you did these things?  Then maybe you shouldn’t do them.

Child Support

Support your children.  Don’t hide assets and lie.  It’s not the child’s fault that the relationship didn’t work out.  It's not the child's fault if you didn't want a child - and, really, do you want to give your own child a complex and make them feel unloved and unwanted?  Maybe he is unloved and unwanted - but only an asshole would foist that upon a child.

Most "reasons" that people give for not wanting to pay child support are actually justifications.  It's a means of wanting to feel good about yourself for being an asshole.  Don't give yourself license to be an asshole.  Instead, try doing the right thing.  Didn't want a child?  Do you know how it happens?  Did you wear a condom?  If not, shut the hell up and support your child.  If so, well, shit happens in life.  Life sucks.  Deal with it.  If you absolutely, 100% cannot and will not support a child, don't have sex.  Priests, geeks, and the super religious do it all the time.  Don't want to be associated with unwashed masses playing video games in their mother's basements?  Tough shit.  These are your options.  Either accept the potential consequences of your actions like a grown adult, or do every possible thing in your power (legally) to ensure that those consequences do not come about.  Condoms are not 100% effective.  Maybe look into a vasectomy.  It actually sounds like you might be doing the world a favor by not reproducing.

Maybe you have other children to support?  How is that your child's fault?  Do you really want to call a child and say, "Well, I could have afforded to buy you food and clothing, but I decided to marry another lady and I think the kids I had with her are more worthy of being allowed to eat than you are."  (If you really do want to say that, then you are in the wrong place, because you are way more of an asshole than I can help.)

Say you did everything you possibly could to avoid having a child.  Say you stepped up and did the right thing.  Say the other parent is completely insane/a terrible person and does not deserve your money.  It doesn't matter.  It's not your child's fault that you entered into a relationship with a psychopath before he was born.  Support your child.  Get to know future sexual partners better before having sex with them.  We all make mistakes.  Accept responsibility for them.