Don't Screw Your Ex Over

Wait, what? Now see, at first, you were making some sense. But now you're just talking nonsense. I can't screw over my ex? But we broke up! HE/SHE NEEDS TO SUFFER!!

See, now, that's just crazy talk. Generally, when a relationship ends, it is not 100% the fault of either person involved. Even when one person cheats, it's usually because the relationship was already not working. (Also, if you're one of those supreme assholes who cheats on someone and then tries to ruin their lives, then go ahead and stop reading now. I can't help you. You probably also think that McDonald's made you get fat because you had to eat there every day. No, seriously, stop reading. I don't want to talk to you.)

Now, it's true that some people could really use a lesson in how to end a relationship without being a total dick about it. If people want those lessons, I'm happy to give them. Anyway, still - be the bigger person. Don't seek revenge. Don't call them 50 times a day and drive by the house regularly (if your end goal is to get slapped with a restraining order and possibly stalking charges, OK. But it will hurt your future job prospects). Don't pretend to be pregnant so you can then ask for the money for an abortion and spend it on a vacation (that's also called "stealing," in some cultures - like all of them).

And if you're married or own a house together, don't scream and cry and throw fits so you can keep living in the house, then refuse to make mortgage payments for the sole satisfaction of ruining your ex's credit. That's not a fitting "punishment" for a relationship that didn't work out. Plus, you're only hurting yourself - especially if your name is on the loan, too. Why would you want to destroy your own credit to hurt someone else? That's just silly.

When a relationship ends, be the bigger person. You want to scream and cry and rant to your friends, that's OK. When you start talking about burning her house down or making up crazy plans to ruin his life, that's just crazy and vindictive. Don't do it. Go see a therapist. And find ways to heal that do not require you to be an asshole.

False Promises

Don’t tell a person that you’ll call them unless you actually intend to do it.  Then, call them.  Only an asshole leaves someone sitting by the phone for several days, checking it constantly, and obsessively checking to see if it works.  It's really easy to just not open your mouth and say "I'll call you."

Don't believe me?  Watch.


See, there?  I didn't promise to call you, because I'm not going to.  If it helps, you can practice in front of the mirror.  Over time, it gets easier.