Agree to Disagree

Don’t assume that everyone who disagrees with you is out to get you. There are lots and lots and lots of issues where people can legitimately have a difference of opinion, and neither is wrong, stupid, or an asshole.  For example, I think that Will Ferrell movies* are one of the worst forms of torture.  Many people love Will Ferrell movies.  I may not understand why, but I do not spend my time arguing with them, trying to make them understand why these movies aren't funny.  Why?  Because it's obnoxious, and I don't need to be obnoxious just for the sake of being obnoxious.  Also, I have better things to do:  Go to work, pay my bills, read a book, see a movie, spend time with friends, take a cooking class, listen to music, surf the internet, learn how to clog dance, take courses in Sanskrit - all a better use of my time than arguing with and irritating people who disagree with me on things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Sometimes, you’re just wrong.  It happens to the best of us.   In that case, people are disagreeing with you because you're actually incorrect.  Sometimes, if you listen to what they're saying, you'll think to yourself, "Oh, right!  1+1 does not equal 3!"  In that case, someone disagreeing with you is nothing personal - unless people are disagreeing with you because you’re an asshole.

* Disclaimer:  Wedding Crashers is hilarious, but not really a Will Ferrell movie (and his role was the only not funny part).  Also, Stranger than Fiction is what I call "the exception that proves the rule."  It's awesome.

Don't Scream Incoherent Rants at People Online

Use proper spelling and punctuation.  Use spell check.  If you don’t know what these things are, take an English class.  If you can’t be bothered to write something that is legible and that doesn’t give me a headache, I can’t be bothered to read it.  That means that, no matter how good your idea is, or no matter how important the emotion or thoughts you are trying to convey, the person you are trying to talk to will never know.  No one likes being screamed at.  if I want incoherent rantings, I'll read Justice Scalia's dissenting opinion in Lawrence v. Texas.  It's at least well-written incoherent ranting.

Let People Be Happy

(Yes, trolls, I’m looking at you).

Awhile back, Yahoo published an article on a couple that had decided to do a Disney-themed wedding.  Buzzfeed picked it up, dubbed it “insanely detailed,” and the pictures went viral.  And the comments on the pictures where, overwhelming, negative:

“The bride must not be old enough to get married.”  

“That’s so tacky.”
“The groom has no balls.”

Where’s the love?  Did it occur to no one that the groom may have also wanted a Disney wedding?  Maybe they met at Disneyland.  Maybe they have a tradition of watching Disney movies together every week.  Maybe they dress up like dwarves when they have sex - it’s none of your business.  When two people get married, there is love in this world, and that is a beautiful thing.  Good for her for being fun and creative enough to do something interesting with her wedding, and good for everyone else who participated.

There were other comments, “Gee, her friends and family must hate her.”  Did anyone look at the bride?  She’s exactly the right age to have grown up watching The Little Mermaid.  Chances are, her sisters (the girls who look exactly like her) have also seen it once or twice.  It may have special meaning for her and her father (who did not look pissed at being asked to play King Triton).  And maybe, just maybe, a woman who is fun and creative and free enough to do someting fun and interesting with her wedding has surrounded herself with similiarly-minded people.  Maybe her real friends also thought it was awesome.  Maybe they didn’t judge her. Maybe they let her enjoy her day, because that’s really what a wedding is all about: love and being together.   Not about being an asswipe on the internet.

This is just one example.  Trolls are on virtually every website that allows comments.  There are people who thrive on pissing other people off.  Don’t do that.  So, when you see someone being happy, just let them be happy.  You do not need to carry your personal raincloud around to drag everyone else down.  If you’re miserable, that’s too bad.  Find something that makes you happy other than upsetting other people.

Thank you

Because I'm such a kind-hearted soul, today, I give you two pieces of advice for the price of one:

• If someone ever does something nice, say, “Thank you."  Don’t act like you’re entitled to have other people do nice things for you.  If no one ever does anything nice for you, perhaps you should ask yourself why.  Perhaps it's because you are not nice to others.

• If someone actually takes a minute to say, “thank you,” the appropriate response is, “You’re welcome.”  It’s not to look at them like they’re crazy.  Practice with me now.  "Thank you."  "You're welcome."  Good!  

Agree to Disagree

Don’t act like your opinion is the only one that matters.  Unless your opinion is “The Holocaust was really, really bad,” it’s possible to have valid, opposing viewpoints.  Not everyone has to agree with you.  The fact that someone has a differing opinion doesn’t make that person an asshole.  Arguing for the sake of arguing with someone who wants to agree to disagree, however, could make you an asshole.

Expectations

Do not blame others for not meeting your unstated expectations.  They can only go off of what you tell them.  If you expected one thing, and received another, the appropriate response is “I apologize for not making my expectations clear.  I was hoping….”  It’s not “You suck for not guessing what I want and giving it to me.”  Expecting other people to read your mind, and getting mad when they can’t, is an asshole thing to do.

False Reports

Don’t make up lies about people.  This goes doubly for filing false police reports or calling Child Protective Services on someone because you are mad at them.  Also, if you do that last bit - what the fuck is wrong with you?  Law enforcement has a job to do.  They are not there for your personal vendettas or petty revenges.  Making up a false report is not giving someone their just desserts.   It's being an asshole.  (It's also a crime.)