How to Yield to Pedestrians

The pedestrian always has the right of way. Allow me to repeat that. The pedestrian always has the right of way.

I know I used some big words in there (well, one big word, twice), so allow me to help you out. The pedestrian is the person walking. Sometimes, the pedestrian is also the person in this scenario that is freezing, getting rained on, or is hot and miserable. The pedestrian is not the person sitting comfortably in in his climate-controlled big "I have a tiny penis" truck, honking and swearing at the person that had the nerve to use sidewalks for their intended purpose. That person is the asshole.

Now, when I say "always" has the right of way, I actually mean that. If I walk in front of your car when you have a green light, it doesn't matter. I still have the right of way. I get to go. You can't hit me. You have to stop. Now, I'm not an asshole, so I don't do that. However, when I am walking in a crosswalk, with a green walk signal, I still have the right of way, you jackass! You're not allowed to drive around me. You're not allowed to try to hit me. And you're not allowed to honk at me as if I'm too stupid to see the giant truck breaking all traffic laws in an effort to try to bully me out of the way. The person turning left is required to yield both to incoming traffic and to pedestrians. Allow me to review all of the reasons you are wrong in this scenario:

1. I am a pedestrian.
2. You are not a pedestrian.
3. I have a green signal, allowing me to walk.
4. I am in a crosswalk.
5. You are turning left.
6. All of those things mean that you do not have the right of way.

So, what makes you think it's OK to honk and scream? Is it the fact that you're an asshole? Or did you want a lecture on traffic laws delivered by a small blonde woman at the top of her lungs in the middle of a busy intersection? Because then, you're just holding up traffic, asshole.

How to Ride a Bike

So, this may came as a shock to some of you, but it turns out, bicycles do not have some special immunity that means that they do not need to follow traffic laws.  Stop signs outlined in white are not optional.  You don't get the benefits of both being a car (by forcing all the cars behind you to drive 10 mph) and a pedestrian (mowing down innocent people on the sidewalks).

It turns out, all of the same rules of the road apply to people on bikes.  You have to stop at stop signs.  You don't get to just fly through intersections when there is a red light.  When you do that, other people have to slam on their brakes or swerve to avoid you, which means that you could cause an accident or give someone a heart attack.

If you don't care about hurting others, then maybe you should care that you could die by plummeting headlong into traffic like you don't have a care in the world.  Even if you think you always have the right of way, isn't your life worth enough to maybe at least pause and look before barreling through the intersection?  Don't you want to see the person who is about to kill you, because they have the right of way and didn't see you coming?  I feel like I would.

And if you don't care about other people, or your life, I mean, you probably don't want your bike smashed, right?  Right?  Be careful out there.

Don't Drive Dangerously Slow, Either

Don’t drive 40 mph on the highway.*  If you legitimately don’t care if you ever get where you’re going, take the scenic route.  For reasons I cannot begin to understand, these people like to cluster in the middle lane of the highway I typically use.  That means my options are: either drive about 70 in the fast lane, where all the people who want to drive 100 will try to murder me, or drive 50 mph in the middle lane.   In a 65 mph zone.  The slow lane is not an option, because that is full of people who got pissed off at both the guy doing 70 in the fast lane and the guy doing 50 in the slow lane and are zipping around inches from our bumpers at 100 mph.  There's no way out.  Once you get into the middle lane, you cannot escape.  There are two many cars on both sides going twice your speed.  It's dangerous.

If for some reason you feel the need to drive significantly below the speed limit, don’t give other drivers dirty looks when they pass you.  Also, when there are multiple cars piled up behind you waiting to get by, and you’re driving 40 mph on the highway, pull over and let them pass.  It's actually not just common courtesy - in many areas, it's the law.  Plus, you know, you don't want to get shot by someone full of road rage.  Speed up, take roads with lower speed limits, or pull over.  Those are your options.

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* Large trucks using their emergency flashers are OK, because, well, they have a job to do, and the flashers left everyone else know.  Plus, those trucks are usually in the right lane where they belong.

Don't Cause an Accident

Do not slam on your brakes when you see a police officer.  If you’re driving 85 in a 65 mph zone, you probably deserve a ticket.  By the time you see the officer, he’s already seen you (after all, he has radar).  And, doubly, when you’re going 67 in a 65 mph zone, it is completely illogical to slam on your brakes and go down to 40 mph.  You could cause an accident, and you could get pulled over for driving like an asshole.  (Well, the legal term is “unsafe driving.”)

Stay in Your Lane!

Those lines on the road are there for a reason.  You’re entitled to use one lane at a time.  Don’t weave back and forth, striking terror in the hearts of everyone else on the road (especially those who would like to get by without being hit).  And certainly don't drive in two at once!  

Honking

You may have noticed this weird, squishy thing in the middle of your steering wheel.  This is called a "horn."  It's purpose is to get the attention of other drivers, when necessary, or to avoid an accident.   If someone is sitting at a green light for 90 seconds picking his nose instead of going, a tap might get his attention.  If you start honking repeatedly the second the light changes, you’re an asshole.  

Also, you're likely not going to get where you're going any faster, because if that person is also an asshole, they may just sit there and decide not to go.  If that person is an inexperienced driver (especially with a stick shift), you just freaked them out so much that they can't go.  Congratulations, your impatience just made you later.

Tailgating

Don’t drive up two inches behind someone that you feel is driving too slow (this is doubly true when the person is already speeding).  Also don't honk, or flash your lights.  If you have a death wish, that’s fine, but don’t make life scarier and more difficult for those of us who would like to live.  Use your turn signal, move into the next lane, and drive around them, or sit back and realize that sometimes in life, getting there can also be enjoyable.  Try to enjoy the ride.

Tickets

You are not entitled to have traffic tickets dismissed.  There are no freebies in this world.  If you made a mistake - fine. Own up to it.  Put on your big boy pants and face the consequences.  If you’re just a shitty driver, and you choose not to fix that by learning to be a decent driver, you cannot whine that the world is discriminating against you for being a shitty driver.  Learn how to drive without endangering other people’s lives, or pay the fines and shut up about it.   That's called being a responsible adult.  Screaming and ranting about how the world owes you the right to break the law without repercussions is called being an asshole. 

Can't afford to pay a ticket?  I totally get that.  Drive the speed limit.  

Changing Lanes

While we’re on the subject - don’t cut people off. Wait two seconds, drive forward five feet, and change lanes like a normal person.

Turn Signals

The manufacturers of automobiles put these nifty little sticks on the side of their steering wheels.  They move up and down, making a pleasing clicking sound.  These little sticks aren’t just for fun - they actually let other drivers know when you’re about to cut in front of them, forcing them to slam on the brakes.  Use them.