Don't Mooch off Your Friends

Today, we'll be short but sweet:

Don’t "borrow" money from people you never intend to repay.  That's actually called "stealing".  You could get sued, and you could be criminally prosecuted.  If that happens, good luck finding a job later, asshole.

Who Really Owns Your House

Don’t try to sue the bank for wanting you to pay your mortgage.  The bank does not give money away.  The bank didn’t make you buy a house you couldn’t afford.  If you lost your job, that’s unfortunate, and I'm sorry.  But it's not the bank's fault.  When you buy a house and a get a mortgage, that gives you rights to the property above everyone else in the world - as long as you pay the mortgage.  If you miss a payment, the bank gets to take it back.  The bank owns the house until the mortgage is paid.  They are letting you live there.

They don't have to give you extra time.  They don't have to do a modification, and they don't have to do a short sale.  Sometimes, they do those things to be nice.  But there's no right to sue the bank for foreclosing after you stopped making your payments.  It just doesn't work that way.  Pay your mortgage, if you can.  When you can't anymore, that's sad.  Your options are to sell the house or to move.  You don't deserve a free place to live anymore than anyone else in the world.  Bad things sometimes happen to good people.  They suck it up and move on.

Bad things also happen to assholes, but, since assholes are so much less sympathetic than good people, wouldn't you rather strive to be a decent human being?

Banking 101

When you write a check to someone, that is a promise to pay.  It’s not a promise to pay if, and only if, the other person cashes the check soon enough to suit your fancy.  It is a commonly held belief that a check expires after a few months, but (a) that’s not true and (b) if it were true, it wouldn’t relieve you of your promise to pay.  If you write a check to you landlord, and he loses it for a couple of months, that doesn’t mean WOO-HOO, PARTY ON!  FREE RENT!!!!!  It means that you should have a lot of money in your bank account that doesn’t belong to you, and you need to write another check.

To that end, let me explain how banking works:

1. You put money in the account.  That amount is entirely up to you.
2. When you make a purchase, you write down what you bought, when you bought it, and how much you spent.  You then deduct that amount from the total funds available to you.
3. When you write a check, do the same.   
4. When you make a deposit, write it down, and add the balance to the total funds available to you.
5. When you want to buy something, look at the balance in your own records to see if you have enough money to buy what you want.  Do not just look at the bank’s balance.  The bank doesn’t know what checks you have outstanding.  The bank doesn’t know that you bought a super cute sweater just before the stores closed last night and the merchant hasn’t processed the transaction yet (Remember - they don’t forfeit their right to the money because they didn’t claim it instantly).  Do you know who does know those things?  You do.  Pay attention.
6. Every so often, check to make sure the bank’s records match yours.  Banks sometimes make mistakes.
7. Repeat steps 3-6 as necessary.

You know what’s not in there?  “Assume you get to keep money because it’s there and someone else didn’t withdraw it at as fast as they should have if they really wanted it, those suckers!”  Because that’s not how it works.  In most states, it’s a crime to write a check that doesn’t clear.  If someone comes to you with a check that was returned for non-payment and says, “Hey, this check didn’t clear, so you still owe me money,” and you respond with, “Too bad, so sad, sucker!  You were too slow!”, you could be criminally prosecuted for theft.  This scenario shouldn’t be a big deal.  If I write a check to pay my rent for $1,000, and it doesn’t clear the bank, I should have $1,000 too much in my account.  Since I’m not an idiot, I should be able to guess that the gods of money didn’t just put that $1,000 in my account because I’m so cute and witty.  I should be able to figure out why that $1,000 is there, which makes it pretty obvious that I need to leave it in my account until the check clears.  Sometimes, gratification is not instant.  It’s annoying to see money in the bank that you can’t spend.  I once had a friend wait an entire year to cash a $12 check.  It irked me every time I balanced my accounts.  Because I’m an adult, I told her to cash the check.  I didn’t spend the $12, refuse to pay her, and then scream and cry when she overdrew my account by trying to cash it because the money wasn’t there.

Some states have some pretty low amounts to convert a misdemeanor to a felony, so you better hope you don’t live in one of them.  If you make good on a bounced check, well then, you made a mistake.  That’s not an asshole thing to do - it happens.  But if you refuse to pay, or can’t, because you spent the money on something else, that’s evidence of fraud.  You don’t want that.  

Pay Your Taxes

What?, you say.  Paying taxes is so uncool!

Nope.  It’s the law.  Maybe you think you’re smarter than everyone else, and you’ve found a way to get paid “under the table,” so you can cheat The Man.  What you’re really doing is (a) committing a crime and (b) cheating everyone else.  Do you drive on paved roads?   Collect federal or state benefits?  Do you expect firefighters to show up if your house burns down?  Do you want to live in a world populated by people who have something resembling an education?  Would you like the police to show up if someone attacks you?  Or would you prefer to be raped to death in a burning building by idiots who cannot read?  

                                                      

Taxes pay for these things.  Taxes pay for roads and schools and police and fire and prisons.  Taxes pay for the National Guard, so you can feel safe.  Taxes even pay for the government to operate, which lets you sit back and be so smug in how great you are that you figured out how to beat the system, unlike all those law-abiding suckers.  That wouldn’t fly in a Communist society.  You’re not beating The Man, dude.  You are ripping off every single law abiding citizen in the country, from the big shot CEO to Jim who makes your coffee at Starbuck’s every morning.  The coffee that you couldn’t afford if you paid your taxes, like you’re supposed to.  Don’t be a criminal.  And don’t be an asshole.

Judging, Part 2

Don’t assume that people are lazy and/or moochers when they need a little help.  People pay into the system so it will be there if and when they need it.  Bad things happen.  Stock markets crash, money gets stolen, houses burn down, people get fired/laid off/injured.  There are a lot of reasons that people might apply for assistance.  That doesn’t make them lazy or terrible people.  It just makes them less fortunate than the person calling them lazy, terrible people.  

The World Does Not Owe You Free Stuff

Don’t run up huge debts you can’t afford and then complain that you don’t want to pay that multi-thousand dollar judgment against you.  Pay your debts.

A good way to accomplish this one is to check to see if you have money to pay for something before buying something.  If you don't have the money, don't buy it.  Sounds easy, right?  Forget about "Keeping up with the Joneses."  People who judge you based on your possessions are assholes, anyway.  You're better off without them.    

If you need something (literally need, as in, "my house will fall down if I do not replace this broken wall," and not "but I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to see Justin Bieber in concert!") and you can't afford it, then you work out a budget, stick to it, figure out what you can afford to pay, and then make the payments.  You can rage at the unfairness of the universe, but you can't get mad at the credit card company that loaned you money and wants you to pay it back.

Child Support

Support your children.  Don’t hide assets and lie.  It’s not the child’s fault that the relationship didn’t work out.  It's not the child's fault if you didn't want a child - and, really, do you want to give your own child a complex and make them feel unloved and unwanted?  Maybe he is unloved and unwanted - but only an asshole would foist that upon a child.

Most "reasons" that people give for not wanting to pay child support are actually justifications.  It's a means of wanting to feel good about yourself for being an asshole.  Don't give yourself license to be an asshole.  Instead, try doing the right thing.  Didn't want a child?  Do you know how it happens?  Did you wear a condom?  If not, shut the hell up and support your child.  If so, well, shit happens in life.  Life sucks.  Deal with it.  If you absolutely, 100% cannot and will not support a child, don't have sex.  Priests, geeks, and the super religious do it all the time.  Don't want to be associated with unwashed masses playing video games in their mother's basements?  Tough shit.  These are your options.  Either accept the potential consequences of your actions like a grown adult, or do every possible thing in your power (legally) to ensure that those consequences do not come about.  Condoms are not 100% effective.  Maybe look into a vasectomy.  It actually sounds like you might be doing the world a favor by not reproducing.

Maybe you have other children to support?  How is that your child's fault?  Do you really want to call a child and say, "Well, I could have afforded to buy you food and clothing, but I decided to marry another lady and I think the kids I had with her are more worthy of being allowed to eat than you are."  (If you really do want to say that, then you are in the wrong place, because you are way more of an asshole than I can help.)

Say you did everything you possibly could to avoid having a child.  Say you stepped up and did the right thing.  Say the other parent is completely insane/a terrible person and does not deserve your money.  It doesn't matter.  It's not your child's fault that you entered into a relationship with a psychopath before he was born.  Support your child.  Get to know future sexual partners better before having sex with them.  We all make mistakes.  Accept responsibility for them.