How to Attend a Conference

I am a member of an organization that, among other things, holds conferences regularly thoughout the year at various places. Although they're mostly attended by people in the area, they're open to everyone. These conferences are run by volunteers. That means that the person you're yelling at probably doesn't have any real incentive to fix your problem if you're screaming like an asshole.

Anyway, lots of things happen at these conferences. Some people socialize. Some people attend speakers, some play games. Some people leave the conference and go explore the city. A lot of people drink. Some don't. It's all good. Whatever you want to do is OK (within the available options). The appropriate way to attend the conference is to pay your fee, show up, and not be an asshole to anyone.

The inappropriate way? Start screaming and throwing a fit a week in advance because an event that someone else volunteered to provide at the conference allowed people who drink alcohol to attend, as long as they're not drinking in the room.

Also inappropriate? Go into the event that is for 21+ and start screaming at the caterer (the CATERER?) about why she should not provide delicious food inside the event. Tell her that she instead needs to put the food where people who don't drink aren't required to walk near alcohol to provide it.* The caterer, who makes the food she is paid to make and puts it where she is paid to put it. The caterer who is also a volunteer and gets paid little on top of the cost of her time/materials. The caterer who has no control whatsoever over where to serve her food and who doesn't care at all about whatever your issues with drinkers are.

If you are so very, very sensitive to the idea of other people drinking alcohol in the same hotel as you, or of people you might know drinking in a separate room, then you really probably should stay home. In any hotel, there's a chance that you might encounter that terrifying thing known as alcohol.

Now, if you have a problem and you're seeking help, that's great. Good for you. But maybe you should consider a way to structure your activities in a way that you're not tempted, instead of insisting that the rest of the conference structure their activities around you. Unless the sole reason for the conference is that it's your birthday party (and you're paying for it), you're just not that special.

Also inappropriate? Showing up in the areas where food is being prepared and insisting that they allow you to come in with your dog. Yes, legitimate service animals are not subject to the same general restrictions as other pets. (Of course, we all know that this isn't really a service animal.) But there's no reason that you, a random attendee to the conference, needs to be in the food production area at all. If it is impossible for you to enter the food preparation area without your dog, we don't want you there. Even dog lovers (and I truly do love dogs - it's people I don't lie) don't want your dog food in their food.

So, to avoid being an asshole, please, please, please, do not impose your personal issues on every other person attending a conference that is hosting hundreds of people.

* By near, I mean "in the same room." It's not like the table of delicious food was set up on the other side of a pool of gin that took up the entire room, forcing people to swim across if they wanted to eat.

How to Yield to Pedestrians

The pedestrian always has the right of way. Allow me to repeat that. The pedestrian always has the right of way.

I know I used some big words in there (well, one big word, twice), so allow me to help you out. The pedestrian is the person walking. Sometimes, the pedestrian is also the person in this scenario that is freezing, getting rained on, or is hot and miserable. The pedestrian is not the person sitting comfortably in in his climate-controlled big "I have a tiny penis" truck, honking and swearing at the person that had the nerve to use sidewalks for their intended purpose. That person is the asshole.

Now, when I say "always" has the right of way, I actually mean that. If I walk in front of your car when you have a green light, it doesn't matter. I still have the right of way. I get to go. You can't hit me. You have to stop. Now, I'm not an asshole, so I don't do that. However, when I am walking in a crosswalk, with a green walk signal, I still have the right of way, you jackass! You're not allowed to drive around me. You're not allowed to try to hit me. And you're not allowed to honk at me as if I'm too stupid to see the giant truck breaking all traffic laws in an effort to try to bully me out of the way. The person turning left is required to yield both to incoming traffic and to pedestrians. Allow me to review all of the reasons you are wrong in this scenario:

1. I am a pedestrian.
2. You are not a pedestrian.
3. I have a green signal, allowing me to walk.
4. I am in a crosswalk.
5. You are turning left.
6. All of those things mean that you do not have the right of way.

So, what makes you think it's OK to honk and scream? Is it the fact that you're an asshole? Or did you want a lecture on traffic laws delivered by a small blonde woman at the top of her lungs in the middle of a busy intersection? Because then, you're just holding up traffic, asshole.

Be a Good Neighbor (Or at Least, Not a Shitty One)

Your house is your castle. I get that.  You are king of your castle.  However, your rights to be happy and comfortable in your home end where they start infringing on someone else’s rights to enjoy living in their home.  Do you love watching TV late at night?  Great!  Turn down the volume.  Most places have noise ordinances, and if you only have an enormous television, there’s a good chance that watching it between 10 p.m. and 8 a.m. is a violation of the law.  Make sure it’s low enough that people trying to sleep around you aren’t disturbed.

You want to smoke pot?  Well, OK, that’s illegal (and, really, kind of sad if you’re older than college-aged), but - whatever.  But when you smoke in your apartment, all of your neighbors are getting high, too, whether they want to or not.  Maybe buy an air purifier or something to keep the smoke from disturbing everyone else.  Some of us really can’t afford to get the munchies.

Other ways to be a good neighbor involve:

1.  Cutting trees that invade your neighbor's air space or grounds.

2.  Paying your share to maintain a joint fence.

3.  Not walking your dog on their lawn.

4.  Not allowing your pet to terrorize or attack their pets.

5.  Calling 911 if their house is on fire.

Ways to be a bad neighbor:
1.  Laugh when your dead tree falls on the neighbor's house (you'll stop laughing when you get the bill!)
2.  Refusing to contribute to the share of maintaining a joint fence while insisting that your neighbor replace it and refusing them to walk on your property to do so.
3.  Encouraging your dog to shit on their lawn, sidewalk, driveway, etc.
4. Laughing when your dog eats their cat and/or children.
5.  Setting the neighbor's house on fire just watch it burn.

How to Walk a Dog

Now, this one can be a little tricky, so I'll try to make it simple.  Here is the right way to walk a dog:
1.  Put your dog on a leash.
2.  Venture out into the great outdoors.
3.  Walk on your own property and areas open to the general public.
4.  Keep the dog a reasonable distance from other dogs, especially if likely to bark/agitate/attack.  Move between the dog and pedestrians when there is room.  Do not allow to race off, chasing other animals.
5.  Any time the dog goes to the bathroom, use a plastic bag to pick up what he leaves behind.  Throw it an available trashcan, or wait until you get home.
                                   

How Not to Walk Your Dog (avoid all of these things):
1.  Open the front door and let the dog race out, leashless, while you saunter about half a block behind, sending text messages.
2.  Cheer the dog on if he gets into an altercation with another animal.
3.  Lead the dog into your neighbor's property so he can chase their cats/poop on their lawn/harass their dogs through windows and fences.
4.  Any time the dog goes to the bathroom, leave it there.  Laugh, knowing that someone will eventually step in it.   (If you do this, I sincerely hope you get a ticket.)
5.  Any time the dog goes to the bathroom, pick it up.  Save it, then leave it on the doorstep of someone you don't like later, or throw bags of feces out of a moving car at pedestrians.  (Seriously, don't do that. You could get arrested.)

If you're not willing or able to pick up after your dog, hire someone who can.  If you can't afford to hire someone, and you're not willing or able to pick up after your dog, you should not have one.  You're not allowed to bring your dog onto someone else's yard without permission, whether they have a fence or not, and it's not funny to watch them fight with other animals.  Take care of your dog.  Be a responsible pet owner.  It will make you a better person and a better pet owner in the long run.

How to Walk in Public

When walking, choose one side of the sidewalk or the other.  You can even walk in the middle, if there’s room for other people to get around you.  What you can’t do is slowly ramble in a diagonal from one side of the other, taking up the entire sidewalk, while checking Facebook on your phone, leaving the entire rest of the world looking like they’re doing the pee-pee dance as they hop from one foot to the other, trying to figure out how to get around you without shoving you. Bonus asshole points if you're wearing headphones, so that no matter how many times people yell "Excuse me," you can act like you don't notice that they're talking to you.  

You have a right to use the sidewalk.  So does everyone else.  So please, people, let's share, mmkay?

Let People Be Happy

(Yes, trolls, I’m looking at you).

Awhile back, Yahoo published an article on a couple that had decided to do a Disney-themed wedding.  Buzzfeed picked it up, dubbed it “insanely detailed,” and the pictures went viral.  And the comments on the pictures where, overwhelming, negative:

“The bride must not be old enough to get married.”  

“That’s so tacky.”
“The groom has no balls.”

Where’s the love?  Did it occur to no one that the groom may have also wanted a Disney wedding?  Maybe they met at Disneyland.  Maybe they have a tradition of watching Disney movies together every week.  Maybe they dress up like dwarves when they have sex - it’s none of your business.  When two people get married, there is love in this world, and that is a beautiful thing.  Good for her for being fun and creative enough to do something interesting with her wedding, and good for everyone else who participated.

There were other comments, “Gee, her friends and family must hate her.”  Did anyone look at the bride?  She’s exactly the right age to have grown up watching The Little Mermaid.  Chances are, her sisters (the girls who look exactly like her) have also seen it once or twice.  It may have special meaning for her and her father (who did not look pissed at being asked to play King Triton).  And maybe, just maybe, a woman who is fun and creative and free enough to do someting fun and interesting with her wedding has surrounded herself with similiarly-minded people.  Maybe her real friends also thought it was awesome.  Maybe they didn’t judge her. Maybe they let her enjoy her day, because that’s really what a wedding is all about: love and being together.   Not about being an asswipe on the internet.

This is just one example.  Trolls are on virtually every website that allows comments.  There are people who thrive on pissing other people off.  Don’t do that.  So, when you see someone being happy, just let them be happy.  You do not need to carry your personal raincloud around to drag everyone else down.  If you’re miserable, that’s too bad.  Find something that makes you happy other than upsetting other people.

If It's Not Yours, Don't Eat It

Some of you may have noticed this wonderful, magic white box in the kitchen.  It keeps food cold.  It has an even more magic compartment that turns water into a solid!  When you were a kid, it was always full with wonderful things you could eat.  Magic!  It’s amazing!  

Well, science is pretty awesome, and electricity is neat, but, alas, the magic of the refrigerator does not extend to automatically filling itself.  When you were a kid, your mom had to actually go get food and put it inside (or your housekeeper, if you were more privileged than I).  Some adults, sadly, appear unclear on this concept.  Here’s how a refrigerator works:

1. You buy food.
2. You put food in the refrigerator.
3. At an appropriate time, you return, and the food is still there.  You take it out, prepare it as desired, and eat it.
4. Do not eat anything that you did not purchase and put into the fridge yourself.  (Side note:  When your roommate says, “Hey, can you pick up some milk?” and then pays you for it, this is an exception to the rule that you’re allowed to eat things that you put into the fridge.)

Unfortunately, this system breaks down where an asshole has access to the refrigerator.  This problem can occur in both a roommate situation or a work situation.  Many people unfortunately seem to have trouble with the concept of not eating food that they did not personally buy and put into the fridge.  Then, the non-assholes of the world open the fridge and - voila!  Magic!  It’s empty!  Oh, no!  That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

Some offices have a manager or other nice person who purchases condiments for the group.  That’s nice of them.  They do this so you don’t find yourself in a position of being unable to store food in the fridge because there are 47 varieties of mayonnaise.  

Don’t take advantage of nie people.  Don’t make them regret being nice.  Stocking a few items that may be shared doesn’t make everything in the fridge fair game.  You’re still not allowed to eat anything you find in there.  And you can’t assume that any condiment in a community fridge is fair game.  Wait for someone to tell you, or ask.  If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.  It seems like such an easy concept, but some people still don’t seem to get it.  Don’t be one of them.  If you can’t be bothered to buy your own food, your options are to develop your very own lovely collection of take-out menus or become intimately familiar with www.grubhub.com.

Hold the door

Hold the door open for the person behind you.  It only takes a second to not slam the door in someone else’s face.  Similarly, if you're on an elevator, and someone is approaching, hit the door open button.  That's the one with a picture of two arrows facing away from each other.  Pushing it means that the person running toward you, waving his hands, can actually get on the elevator, too.  Pushing that button will delay you approximately 30 seconds.  However, frantically jabbing the "door close" button can delay the other person by anywhere from 1 minute to half an hour, depending on where you are and how many elevators are in the building.  Don't ruin someone else's day.  Just wait 30 seconds.  

Also, if the person running toward you sees you hitting that button, he'll know you're an asshole.  If you were headed to a job interview, you better hope that wasn't the interviewer.

Thank you

Because I'm such a kind-hearted soul, today, I give you two pieces of advice for the price of one:

• If someone ever does something nice, say, “Thank you."  Don’t act like you’re entitled to have other people do nice things for you.  If no one ever does anything nice for you, perhaps you should ask yourself why.  Perhaps it's because you are not nice to others.

• If someone actually takes a minute to say, “thank you,” the appropriate response is, “You’re welcome.”  It’s not to look at them like they’re crazy.  Practice with me now.  "Thank you."  "You're welcome."  Good!  

Don't Overstay Your Welcome

When someone offers to let you stay in their home, that is a very nice thing for them to do.  That does not give you the right to ruin that person's life.

Let me explain how being a guest works.  You thank the person for allowing you in.  You clarify in advance how long you are staying.  You say please and thank you and offer to buy groceries or buy your host dinner.  You clean up after yourself.  And then, when your stay is over, you leave.

Easy right?  You'd like to think so.  That's how a person who is not an asshole behaves as a guest.  Assholes come and go at all hours, make messes, eat all the food, and refuse to leave at the appropriate time.  Huge assholes call the police when asked to vacate or act like being a mooching jackass gives them a legal right to stay forever and force the poor schmuck who was just being nice to get a court order to make them leave.  Don't be that person.  If you don't have anywhere else to go, that is not the fault of the nice person who gave you a place to stay.  It might be your fault, though, if you treat everyone that way.  Being not an asshole will give you more options for places to go.  Try it.

How To Board an Airplane

How To Board an Airplane

1. Bring no more than one suitcase that fits into the sample bin provided and one small bag or personal item that will fit under the seat in front of you.
2. Look around the gate area.  If there are a lot of people and/or you know that it's going to be a small airplane, ask the gate agent if you can gate check your bag.  Better yet, when you know it's too big or you have 11 items masquerading as one (you know who you are), check it before going through security.
3. Listen.  If the flight attendants say, "This is a full flight and we're looking for people to gate check," stand up, take your bag to them, and check it.
4. When boarding begins, get out your boarding pass.  Look at the group number.  Most airlines board from the back of the plane forward. Wait until they call your group number, then walk to the gate.  
5. Show your boarding pass to the gate agent, and walk down the runway at a normal pace.
6. When you find your seat, get out of the aisle, put your carry-on luggage in the overhead bins, and sit down.
7. Put your coat under the seat in front of you or hold it on your lap until everyone has boarded so you can see if there is available overhead space.
8. If you are not in a window seat, be aware that you're going to stand up again, so don't buckle your seat belt and/or act like it's a huge imposition when the people sitting next to you arrive.  (Also, if you're in an aisle seat, is there really a need to shove your way to the font of the line to get to your seat first just so other people can climb over you?).
9. Make sure your electronic devices are shut off until the pilot says it's OK to use them (yes, even though we all know this is an overly broad rule that in many cases is stupid).

How Not to Board and Airplane

1. Bring a huge suitcase through security that you know will never fit through security, or bring a rolling suitcase, a carryon, a purse, a laptop bag, and a backpack.
2. Ignore all the requests for people to gate check their bags.  When you get to the gate, act shocked that you're not allowed to bring all of these things on board the plane.  Scream, wave your arms, and let everyone know that it's a huge imposition to ask that you follow the rules set by the airlines, published on the internet, and generally told to everyone about a zillion times prior to boarding.
3. Crowd the gate area the very first moment it looks like boarding might start.  Stand as close as humanly possible to the line without being in it.  That way, the people behind you who are allowed to board won't realize that you're merely standing on the way, and no one can get on the plane at all.
4. Lose your boarding pass before getting to the front of the line.  Act really put out that the gate agent needs to see it.  This trick is doubly awesome if you shoved and ran to the front of the line, or loudly and impatiently tapped your foot while blocking the line for everyone else.
5. Saunter down the gateway as slow as you can.  After all, the plane can't leave without you, right?  Ignore all the people behind you who have been forcibly slowed to a snail's pace.
6. Act like you don't know where your seat is.  Compare every single seat number to your ticket, just in case this particular plane doesn't number the seats in alphabetical order.
7. When you find your seat, stand on the aisle as long as possible.  Take at least five minutes to put each bag away.  Put your coat in the overhead bin so no one else can use it.
8. Get 100% settled into your aisle seat, including blindfold and ear plugs, and get extremely put out when the other two people in the row ask you politely to move so they can sit down.
9. Use your cell phone after they tell you that the door has been closed and that your phone must be off prior to takeoff.  

Don't Be Nosy

Don’t ask intrusive questions about someone’s personal life.  If someone wants you to know something personal, they’ll tell you.  More often than not, you’ll wish they hadn’t.  But you really don't have a right to know anything that you are mildly curious about.  Sometimes, people like to keep things to themselves, and that's OK.  When they like to share, that's OK, too. (Oversharing, of course, is another issue entirely.)


If you absolutely cannot resist asking a horribly rude question, and the other person refuses to answer, don’t act like he’s the one being an asshole.  He isn’t.

While we're talking about intrusive and inappropriate behaviors - people, please, keep your hands off the pregnant ladies.  It is so, so, so very insane that people think they can walk up to total strangers and put their hands on bellies just because the woman appears to be pregnant.  Anyone tries that BS on me, should the time come, and I will call the police.  Also, take a second to think how many types of ass you would feel like if that person was just overweight or had a really big lunch.   Or if she reached out and stuck her fingers in your nose ("What?  I thought we were touching each other inappropriately?!")  And don't do it.  Because it's incredible rude and selfish of you to assume that a total stranger would want you touching her just because you got excited over a pregnant belly.  

Screaming at Strangers

DON’T TYPE IN ALL CAPS!  (Unless something super exciting just happened.)  It’s considered screaming, and is not appropriate.  Also, it's hard on the eyes.  When you type in all caps, that automatically tells me that I don't really want to read what you have to say.  If you can't be considerate enough to try to get your point across in a rational manner, especially on message boards or where you're talking to people who don't know you, I probably don't want to talk to you.  All caps comes across as rude, needy, high-maintanence and, sometimes, unintelligent (when it's all one block of huge text with no punctuation). Who wants to talk to someone like that?  Do yourself, and everyone else a favor, and save the all-caps for situations where screaming is OK in real life.  (Like, “HELP!  I’M ON FIRE!!”)  

But, you know, just as a practical matter... if you are on fire, you should probably go ahead and call 911, rather than posting it on Facebook.

Judging, Part 2

Don’t assume that people are lazy and/or moochers when they need a little help.  People pay into the system so it will be there if and when they need it.  Bad things happen.  Stock markets crash, money gets stolen, houses burn down, people get fired/laid off/injured.  There are a lot of reasons that people might apply for assistance.  That doesn’t make them lazy or terrible people.  It just makes them less fortunate than the person calling them lazy, terrible people.  

Lines, Part 2

When you get to the front of the line, don’t stand there for twenty minutes deciding what to order.  You just spent 12 minutes in line, bitching about how busy and important you are, and irritating everyone around you, but you couldn’t figure out how what you wanted?  (P.S.  When waiting in line, do not bitch loudly about how busy and important you are).

Lines

Don’t cut in line.  Everyone has things they would rather do than stand in line.  I know you think you’re more important than everyone else who’s waiting, but you’re not.  You’re just more of an asshole.

Do Unto Others

Regardless of your religious beliefs, remember the Golden Rule.  Treat others how you would like to be treated.  Would you want someone to key your car, post nude pictures of you on the internet, or give you a wedgie? Even if they thought they had a really, really good reason?  Would you be ashamed to tell your mother or your child that you did these things?  Then maybe you shouldn’t do them.

Riding the Bus

When on public transportation, give up your seat to the elderly, disabled, and pregnant women.  Men, give your seat to ladies.  If you can’t be bothered to offer your seat to a lady, don’t hit on her during the ride.  Most women don’t want to date assholes.

Judge Not

Don’t judge people based on insignificant bullshit.  The person who didn’t go to Yale isn’t stupid.  Maybe he just didn’t have $200k lying around and didn’t want to take on that kind of debt at 18.  That sounds pretty smart to us non-assholes.  Maybe he had to care for a sick relative.  Maybe a person's reasons for choosing a college are none of your business.  It has no impact whatsoever on a person's value as a human being.  But your choice to judge people based on things that are meaningless says quite a bit about yours.