How To Board an Airplane

How To Board an Airplane

1. Bring no more than one suitcase that fits into the sample bin provided and one small bag or personal item that will fit under the seat in front of you.
2. Look around the gate area.  If there are a lot of people and/or you know that it's going to be a small airplane, ask the gate agent if you can gate check your bag.  Better yet, when you know it's too big or you have 11 items masquerading as one (you know who you are), check it before going through security.
3. Listen.  If the flight attendants say, "This is a full flight and we're looking for people to gate check," stand up, take your bag to them, and check it.
4. When boarding begins, get out your boarding pass.  Look at the group number.  Most airlines board from the back of the plane forward. Wait until they call your group number, then walk to the gate.  
5. Show your boarding pass to the gate agent, and walk down the runway at a normal pace.
6. When you find your seat, get out of the aisle, put your carry-on luggage in the overhead bins, and sit down.
7. Put your coat under the seat in front of you or hold it on your lap until everyone has boarded so you can see if there is available overhead space.
8. If you are not in a window seat, be aware that you're going to stand up again, so don't buckle your seat belt and/or act like it's a huge imposition when the people sitting next to you arrive.  (Also, if you're in an aisle seat, is there really a need to shove your way to the font of the line to get to your seat first just so other people can climb over you?).
9. Make sure your electronic devices are shut off until the pilot says it's OK to use them (yes, even though we all know this is an overly broad rule that in many cases is stupid).

How Not to Board and Airplane

1. Bring a huge suitcase through security that you know will never fit through security, or bring a rolling suitcase, a carryon, a purse, a laptop bag, and a backpack.
2. Ignore all the requests for people to gate check their bags.  When you get to the gate, act shocked that you're not allowed to bring all of these things on board the plane.  Scream, wave your arms, and let everyone know that it's a huge imposition to ask that you follow the rules set by the airlines, published on the internet, and generally told to everyone about a zillion times prior to boarding.
3. Crowd the gate area the very first moment it looks like boarding might start.  Stand as close as humanly possible to the line without being in it.  That way, the people behind you who are allowed to board won't realize that you're merely standing on the way, and no one can get on the plane at all.
4. Lose your boarding pass before getting to the front of the line.  Act really put out that the gate agent needs to see it.  This trick is doubly awesome if you shoved and ran to the front of the line, or loudly and impatiently tapped your foot while blocking the line for everyone else.
5. Saunter down the gateway as slow as you can.  After all, the plane can't leave without you, right?  Ignore all the people behind you who have been forcibly slowed to a snail's pace.
6. Act like you don't know where your seat is.  Compare every single seat number to your ticket, just in case this particular plane doesn't number the seats in alphabetical order.
7. When you find your seat, stand on the aisle as long as possible.  Take at least five minutes to put each bag away.  Put your coat in the overhead bin so no one else can use it.
8. Get 100% settled into your aisle seat, including blindfold and ear plugs, and get extremely put out when the other two people in the row ask you politely to move so they can sit down.
9. Use your cell phone after they tell you that the door has been closed and that your phone must be off prior to takeoff.